by Lauren Liebenberg | Nov 30, 2019 | Jalapeño hot, Just Good Graze
When the rains fail… Drought victims: The fugitive elephant of the Limpopo, driven from our Herd Reserve at the end of another dry season My dear meteorologists, take a quick squizz at the excerpt from the seasonal forecast published by one of your number at the South...
by Lauren Liebenberg | Feb 10, 2018 | Jalapeño hot, Just Good Graze
CHAPTER ONE, VERSE ONE OF THE BOOK OF FACTORY FARMING REVELATIONS The Saviour of the Earth walks among us and he’s smokin’ hot. Uma Valeti. Remember the name. Phonetically, it’s like Ooh-Come-to-Mama Valeti. And remember, you heard it here first. I...
by Lauren Liebenberg | Sep 25, 2016 | Just Good Graze
Dear Woolworths, Finding myself with a little time on my trotters while lying here in my sow crate for my “confinement” (which I use in the Victorian sense, in relation to expectant mothers and not in the literal sense of incarceration, captivity, imprisonment,...
by Lauren Liebenberg | Nov 23, 2014 | Parenting Hacks
Compulsive Competitiveness Disorder in action In one-and-a-half weeks’ time, I will graduate from Grade 3. And I gotta say, it’s been real. At the beginning of this year, you couldn’t tell me anything, man. I was all Hey, I’ve been playing “parent parent” for eight...
by Lauren Liebenberg | Oct 14, 2014 | Suburban Survival
This morning I sat down to write a blog post about the how to place your recyclables on your kerb for maximum shaming of your non-recycling neighbours, because I am a friend of the earth, but not of my neighbours. My thoughts, however, which at the best of times tend...
by Lauren Liebenberg | Sep 30, 2014 | Bra Bonfires
Dear Nicki, I watched your Anaconda music video the other day, and although most of the soundtrack was drowned out by the cackling of the pack of nine to eleven year-old jackals at whose insistence I’d watched the thing, unfortunately it’s the visuals that I can’t...
by Lauren Liebenberg | Sep 23, 2014 | Parenting Hacks
This article was originally featured on BooksLive If you are the parent of an only child, or a parent who has never heard the words, “But maa-aam, he said “Shuddup” to me,” delivered in a whine like an angle grinder through your skull, don’t even bother to read on –...
by Lauren Liebenberg | Sep 11, 2014 | The Scheduled Drug Club
I’m an insomniac. Always have been. God knows why. I remember even as a kid spending long hours alone in the darkness thinking about transforming into O Mighty Isis. I had an amber-coloured glass eye pried from my little sister’s mangy old teddy bear, which I’d...
by Lauren Liebenberg | Aug 29, 2014 | The Scheduled Drug Club
Massage onto bare skin. Then wash your hands, immediately. Those were the instructions, printed on the creased insert that came folded and re-folded into a tiny origami message in a cardboard box containing my “bio-identical” testosterone. The inner thighs or flanks...
by Lauren Liebenberg | Aug 3, 2014 | Suburban Survival
I hate my birthday. There, I said it. According to Facebook, everyone else wanders around all day long feeling “blessed” and “spoiled”. For the record, I do not feel “blessed”, because as you know, people who use words like “blessed” on Facebook posts, especially ones...
